It's called Blue because that's the movie I'm watching. Or was watching. It seems second priority right now. Or third. It's Bleu by Krzysztof Kieslowski. It's about a widow trying to uncover her deceased husband's secret life. Kieslowski created the Colors Trilogy: Blue, White and Red as a commentary on the Political Ideals of the French Republic: Liberty, Equality and Fraternity, respectfully.
It's called Blue because I'm suffocating in reality. In the truth. It's a cold truth so there's also blue there. My entire life I've been sheltered in a middle-class comfortable life-style. I never knew about debt. I'd never seen a late fee. I didn't know what overdraft was or why anyone would undergo it.
The New American Woman: Through at 21.
I supposed today's post could also be entitled green. Seeing as that is where all my problems may be coming from.
The Back Story...
A few months ago, labor day to be exact, me and my girlfriend split. I lived with her for a year and a series of events led to the relationship's demise. I moved out and moved into an apartment in downtown Richmond. The apartment landed me in more debt than I could have ever foreseen. I thought I could afford it but I didn't take into the account the other costs of living and any other costs I might accrue.
So, I fell into debt. My other credit cards gained late fees because i was paying rent and other bills. This, coupled with my personal life in a mess and my school slowly spiraling into the like. So, I've developed some anxiety and stress problems, no big deal.
But I was able to salvage what was left of the relationship and rebuild it with commitment and hard work.
In December, I had somebody interested in taking over my lease. Ecstatic, to say the least. So i packed up all my things and moved back to my parents. On the way to my parents, with my dresser and mattress in the back of my truck, I received a call by the girl interested in the lease. She can't take it because she would be stuck paying for two rooms if someone doesn't sign as well. So she backs out.
Now, I live an hour from anywhere. It costs twenty dollars in gas to get to work and back home. By the time my next paycheck comes in, I typically average about $5 on a good two-week period.
But...
When things like Norton Internet Security charge me twice for the same account, it doesn't work out that way. So now I've over drafted and I have forty dollars to my name until Norton refunds my money (3 business days I'm told,) and that forty dollars is for two days of work.
I'm waiting for my tax refund now. I will probably be reimbursed enough to pay off my apartment and pay for a few other necessities including medication and parking tickets.
I feel like I can't catch a break. Everyday is another uphill battle. Everyday I am paranoid, neurotic, anxious, irritated, depressed, exhausted. At night I have tics. My little brother has tics. He bats his eyes heavily. The doctors told us it was a nervous habit. At night I yell things behind tight lips and gritted teeth. My head shakes back and forth as if I were saying "No". I fall asleep early in the day because I can't control my sleeping habits and wake up at night to write these posts. To tell you what is wrong and I don't know how much more I can take of it.
My girlfriend is bothered by some of the things I do, some of my behaviors. The depression, the sleeping, the irritation. I don't blame her, of course. Who would want to deal with that?
What happens now? I stop kicking against the pricks. I acknowledge that there is nothing I can do. I've tried the best I can and the best I can is good enough. There is a hint of worry but mostly indifference. I don't know if I'll ever understand it or stop driving myself crazy over life. To me, it just seems more complicated than it needs to be and I don't understand why everybody doesn't think this way and do something about it.
I may watch this again.
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